TSA Enters Fondling Business

The bad news is that if you don't want to be irradiated, or have your privacy invaded, by the TSA's new full-body scanners, soon you can get groped by a TSA "officer". The good news is, there aren't any additional fees or taxes associated with this! At least for now.

http://www.smartertravel.com/blogs/today-in-travel/tsa-experimenting-with-enhanced-patdowns.html?id=5396474&source=dealalert_test_b&value=2010-08-25+00:00:00&u=3E91EFB00D

I wonder whether the TSA will publish some guidance about how to tip your TSA officer for exceptional service. Slide the singles into his/her badge holder? The belt? In your belt or waistband (if they're any good at all, they'll find them!). And what happens if you opt for this perk in the middle of a raging erection? Will they wave you through the line, or would that provoke the Defenders Of Our Skies to take you into a back room and beat it out of you? Inquiring minds want to know!

The Wisdom of Buck

I know it's only three games into his tenure and they're still the worst team in MLB by a healthy margin, but so far I really dig Mr. Showalter's style, man. Not only are the O's 3-0, but we get post-game quotes like this:

"Part of playing, not only in the big leagues, but in the American League [is] big, strong, hairy guys here. They hit it where the grass doesn't grow. And that's part of playing in this division, this league. That's part of it. We've got some big guys, too. Maybe not as hairy."

More Guns? Great!

It seems that the group that's been knocking down gun regulations - first in D.C., then in Chicago, now has Maryland in its crosshairs (sorry, I couldn't resist). And so the literalism continues. Yes, the long-dead fellows who penned the Constitution were brilliant guys. But how did a "well-regulated militia", et cetera, morph into the right to head to the grocery store with a handgun on your hip? Yes, you can have the last Valu-Pack of strip steaks! No need to wave that thing around. By the way, you have some froth on the right corner of your mouth...there, got it. Good. By the way, I dig that American flag polo shirt.

If we want to be so damn literal, I have two proposals:

1. Continue to assume that Founders were infallible men - but not men who could see a future of semi-automatics and extended clips. That means no adapting the Second Amendment for modern times. Muskets for everyone! No complaining, especially from you right-wingers who are always whining about activist judges.

2. Find the nearest mad-scientist geneticist, and have him or her hook you up with the real deal. Who's gonna fuck with you once you're packing these babies?